Chapter One
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Exhort
“As ye know how we exhorted … every one of you, as a father doth his children”
- 1 Thessalonians 2:11
As Jack’s sixteenth birthday drew closer, the prospects of this being the “big” year seemed to dwindle with each approaching day. He wasn’t sure that he was ready to face another year of uncertainty and change like he had experienced during the past year. Everything in his life seemed to be changing too quickly to keep up with; and worst of all, he was not sure what direction to turn for help.
When he talked with his mom, she seemed to always be excited about her “growing boy” graduating from high school in a few years. It was true, he had grown quite a bit over the past year, almost a full twelve inches now. He had gone from being the shortest guy on the playground to being one of the tallest on the sophomore basketball team.
This wasn’t much of a consolation to Jack though. There were other, more personal changes, that he was worried about. His voice was starting to sound different, he had started to shave, and every girl that walked by seemed to grab his attention.
“There must be something wrong with me,” Jack kept thinking. “If only someone could tell me what is going on and what I should do!” He had tried talking with his father about it, but he had just brushed it off as a part of “getting older”, something that Jack would “grow out of in a few years.”
This didn’t help Jack much, but at least he knew that it wouldn’t be this bad forever. “Maybe my friends are experiencing the same type of things and we can work through this together,” Jack thought.
At about this same time, Jack’s father started noticing that Jack was not around much anymore. It seemed like he was “hanging out” with his friends more and more, and his grades at school were starting to slip. So he decided to confront Jack about his grades one evening.
What a mistake that was! It was more of a yelling match than a conversation, and it ended with Jack slamming the door to his room. “What did I do wrong?” thought Jack’s father, “I only asked about his grades.”
As he continued to think about this, Jack’s father remembered the many times that he and Jack had spent together, the two father and son camps they had attended with their local church and the many hours they had spent together fishing and playing sports. “Whatever happened to those times? Now he won’t even talk with me”, he thought. That’s when it hit him for the first time: “Maybe I have lost the heart of my son.”
You may be in the same place that Jack’s father found himself that evening, wondering what has happened to your son and if you have lost his heart. It may have come as a shock to you, or you many have seen it coming. Either way, the question is: “What can I do to win the heart of my son?”
The Apostle Paul gives us the answer in 1 Thessalonians chapter 2 verse 11: “As ye know how we exhorted …every one of you, as a father doth his children.” The first thing that a father cannot fail to do in order to win the heart of his son is to exhort him.
The word exhort that Paul used in this verse is parakalŭō (par-ak-al-eh΄-o), a powerful word in the Greek language. It means to beseech, call for, desire, or to encourage someone. Although it is translated differently in Romans 12:1, Paul used the same Greek word when he strongly encouraged all believers to dedicate their bodies as a living sacrifice to God. “I beseech (parakalŭō) you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service” (Romans 12:1).
To some people in today’s culture, the word “exhort” may be a little confusing. When you hear the word exhort, you probably see the mental picture of a motivational speaker standing on a stage yelling, “You can do it! You can do it!” Or, you may be reminded of a boss who frequently says, “You’re doing a good job, but you need to try harder!”
Exhorting, however, is not simply “pumping-up” someone to accomplish an objective. This only leaves a person deflated when the goal is reached or when there is failure along the way. Instead, exhorting is the ongoing process by which we encourage another person, in this case a son.
“The Joy Bucket”
How does exhorting apply to a father who is looking to win his son’s heart? As a father exhorts his son, he communicates a deep sense of love towards his son. In return, the son feels great emotional joy and is able to respond to his father’s love. My brother once described this as “the joy bucket” in a person’s life.
The joy bucket concept is the idea that each person has a natural and God-given need to experience joy in their life. The more joy a person has, the fuller their joy bucket will be. As an appropriate level of joy is maintained in a person’s life, they will be free to not only function emotionally, but mentally and socially as well.
As a son’s joy level is maintained at a healthy level, he will be able to respond properly to his father’s attempts to win his heart. On the other hand, if a son’s joy bucket is low or empty, he will lack the necessary joy to be able to respond to his father’s love. When this is the case, it’s time to stop in for a refill at the local Joy-Mart!
How can a father add to his son’s joy bucket? By exhorting him! Not only through his words, but also through quality time, special gifts, acts of service, and physical affirmation. These practical applications of exhortation will help a father return his son to a life of joy, empowering him to respond to his love.
If you think about it, this is what winning a son’s heart is all about! A son responding to his father’s love.
What Is the Goal?
Exhorting someone implies the idea of a person encouraging another to a specific purpose or goal. So the question becomes, what is a father to exhort his son to do? What is the goal?
We find the answer in 1 Thessalonians 2:12, when Paul says that a father is to exhort his son, “That (he) would walk worthy of God, who hath called (him) unto his kingdom and glory.” He reaffirms this again in Colossians 1:10, “That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God.”
The goal of exhorting a son is to encourage him to walk worthy of God’s calling “unto his kingdom and glory” (1 Thessalonians 2:12). This is the ultimate goal and purpose of exhorting a son.
A father who exhorts his son is like a farmer during the start of plowing season. A farmer places a large stake at the far end of the field to mark the direction he wants his furrows to go. As he starts plowing, the farmer will focus his eye on the stake to keep his furrows going in straight, parallel lines.
The same is true for a father who exhorts his son. By exhorting a son, a father places a stake at the far end of life and says, “That’s the goal, that’s the direction you are to go!” Paul told the Philippians that he personally did the same thing for himself when he said, “I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:14).
80/20
You have probably heard of the 80/20 rule before. If not, let me explain. The 80/20 rule is the idea that 80% of results should be achieved by 20% of the work. It asks the question, “What are the few, yet important things I must do to achieve the most significant results?”
Many fathers are doing quite the opposite. They are spending 80% of their time achieving 20% of the results. They are attempting to exhort their sons in ways that produce minimal results and in some cases are counterproductive.
Each person has a different way in which they feel most loved and encouraged. Some people are encouraged the most by someone else’s words. Others are encouraged when someone spends quality time with them, or when someone gives them a special gift. Some people are most encouraged when someone serves them in a special way, others are encouraged by physical touch.
By concentrating his efforts to exhort his son in the way he feels most loved, a father can have the greatest impact on his son. In the next few chapters, we will look at the different ways a father can practically and effectively exhort his son and thereby win his heart.
I would like to make special note here, that some of ideas and concepts that I mention in the following chapters were taken from Dr. Gary Chapman’s book: The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate (Chicago: Northfield Publishing, 1995).
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