- j S e -: July 2010

Friday, July 30, 2010

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

John's Book: chapter 1

Chapter One

Exhort

“As ye know how we exhorted … every one of you, as a father doth his children”

- 1 Thessalonians 2:11

As Jack’s sixteenth birthday drew closer, the prospects of this being the “big” year seemed to dwindle with each approaching day. He wasn’t sure that he was ready to face another year of uncertainty and change like he had experienced during the past year. Everything in his life seemed to be changing too quickly to keep up with; and worst of all, he was not sure what direction to turn for help.

When he talked with his mom, she seemed to always be excited about her “growing boy” graduating from high school in a few years. It was true, he had grown quite a bit over the past year, almost a full twelve inches now. He had gone from being the shortest guy on the playground to being one of the tallest on the sophomore basketball team.

This wasn’t much of a consolation to Jack though. There were other, more personal changes, that he was worried about. His voice was starting to sound different, he had started to shave, and every girl that walked by seemed to grab his attention.

“There must be something wrong with me,” Jack kept thinking. “If only someone could tell me what is going on and what I should do!” He had tried talking with his father about it, but he had just brushed it off as a part of “getting older”, something that Jack would “grow out of in a few years.”

This didn’t help Jack much, but at least he knew that it wouldn’t be this bad forever. “Maybe my friends are experiencing the same type of things and we can work through this together,” Jack thought.

At about this same time, Jack’s father started noticing that Jack was not around much anymore. It seemed like he was “hanging out” with his friends more and more, and his grades at school were starting to slip. So he decided to confront Jack about his grades one evening.

What a mistake that was! It was more of a yelling match than a conversation, and it ended with Jack slamming the door to his room. “What did I do wrong?” thought Jack’s father, “I only asked about his grades.”

As he continued to think about this, Jack’s father remembered the many times that he and Jack had spent together, the two father and son camps they had attended with their local church and the many hours they had spent together fishing and playing sports. “Whatever happened to those times? Now he won’t even talk with me”, he thought. That’s when it hit him for the first time: “Maybe I have lost the heart of my son.”

You may be in the same place that Jack’s father found himself that evening, wondering what has happened to your son and if you have lost his heart. It may have come as a shock to you, or you many have seen it coming. Either way, the question is: “What can I do to win the heart of my son?”

The Apostle Paul gives us the answer in 1 Thessalonians chapter 2 verse 11: “As ye know how we exhorted …every one of you, as a father doth his children.” The first thing that a father cannot fail to do in order to win the heart of his son is to exhort him.

The word exhort that Paul used in this verse is parakalŭō (par-ak-al-eh΄-o), a powerful word in the Greek language. It means to beseech, call for, desire, or to encourage someone. Although it is translated differently in Romans 12:1, Paul used the same Greek word when he strongly encouraged all believers to dedicate their bodies as a living sacrifice to God. “I beseech (parakalŭō) you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service” (Romans 12:1).

To some people in today’s culture, the word “exhort” may be a little confusing. When you hear the word exhort, you probably see the mental picture of a motivational speaker standing on a stage yelling, “You can do it! You can do it!” Or, you may be reminded of a boss who frequently says, “You’re doing a good job, but you need to try harder!”

Exhorting, however, is not simply “pumping-up” someone to accomplish an objective. This only leaves a person deflated when the goal is reached or when there is failure along the way. Instead, exhorting is the ongoing process by which we encourage another person, in this case a son.

“The Joy Bucket”

How does exhorting apply to a father who is looking to win his son’s heart? As a father exhorts his son, he communicates a deep sense of love towards his son. In return, the son feels great emotional joy and is able to respond to his father’s love. My brother once described this as “the joy bucket” in a person’s life.

The joy bucket concept is the idea that each person has a natural and God-given need to experience joy in their life. The more joy a person has, the fuller their joy bucket will be. As an appropriate level of joy is maintained in a person’s life, they will be free to not only function emotionally, but mentally and socially as well.

As a son’s joy level is maintained at a healthy level, he will be able to respond properly to his father’s attempts to win his heart. On the other hand, if a son’s joy bucket is low or empty, he will lack the necessary joy to be able to respond to his father’s love. When this is the case, it’s time to stop in for a refill at the local Joy-Mart!

How can a father add to his son’s joy bucket? By exhorting him! Not only through his words, but also through quality time, special gifts, acts of service, and physical affirmation. These practical applications of exhortation will help a father return his son to a life of joy, empowering him to respond to his love.

If you think about it, this is what winning a son’s heart is all about! A son responding to his father’s love.

What Is the Goal?

Exhorting someone implies the idea of a person encouraging another to a specific purpose or goal. So the question becomes, what is a father to exhort his son to do? What is the goal?

We find the answer in 1 Thessalonians 2:12, when Paul says that a father is to exhort his son, “That (he) would walk worthy of God, who hath called (him) unto his kingdom and glory.” He reaffirms this again in Colossians 1:10, “That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God.”

The goal of exhorting a son is to encourage him to walk worthy of God’s calling “unto his kingdom and glory” (1 Thessalonians 2:12). This is the ultimate goal and purpose of exhorting a son.

A father who exhorts his son is like a farmer during the start of plowing season. A farmer places a large stake at the far end of the field to mark the direction he wants his furrows to go. As he starts plowing, the farmer will focus his eye on the stake to keep his furrows going in straight, parallel lines.

The same is true for a father who exhorts his son. By exhorting a son, a father places a stake at the far end of life and says, “That’s the goal, that’s the direction you are to go!” Paul told the Philippians that he personally did the same thing for himself when he said, “I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:14).

80/20

You have probably heard of the 80/20 rule before. If not, let me explain. The 80/20 rule is the idea that 80% of results should be achieved by 20% of the work. It asks the question, “What are the few, yet important things I must do to achieve the most significant results?”

Many fathers are doing quite the opposite. They are spending 80% of their time achieving 20% of the results. They are attempting to exhort their sons in ways that produce minimal results and in some cases are counterproductive.

Each person has a different way in which they feel most loved and encouraged. Some people are encouraged the most by someone else’s words. Others are encouraged when someone spends quality time with them, or when someone gives them a special gift. Some people are most encouraged when someone serves them in a special way, others are encouraged by physical touch.

By concentrating his efforts to exhort his son in the way he feels most loved, a father can have the greatest impact on his son. In the next few chapters, we will look at the different ways a father can practically and effectively exhort his son and thereby win his heart.

I would like to make special note here, that some of ideas and concepts that I mention in the following chapters were taken from Dr. Gary Chapman’s book: The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate (Chicago: Northfield Publishing, 1995).

Monday, July 26, 2010

Happy Birthday!!!

John and David's birthday is today. John has to work today, though, so we celebrated yesterday. When I asked John how he wanted to spend his day, his answer immediately jumped to the menu. Mhmm.

Yum. Grilled top-sirloin, watermelon, fruit salad, sea food salad, homemade bread ......... yum.

And there was cake, too.

The birthday boy lit his own candles so that I could take pictures. :)

this morning

Emma loves playing in the curtains. She hides behind them, peeks out, hides again, peeks out ........ and if no one will play with her she just stands behind them and looks out the window.

playing with the curtains! from Elizabeth Smillie on Vimeo.

Granddad and the Uncles came to visit

Colin holding Ian in the shade

Granddad Drew and Uncles Colin, Nathan and Josh came to visit us a couple of Saturdays ago. They picked up lunch for us on their way over (Chipotle was so yummy!) and then we went to the pool.

Emma was a bit timid at first, but the boys got her to go in the water, and she ended up loving it!

Nathan and Emma

Pool time with the Uncles from Elizabeth Smillie on Vimeo.

Emma thought it was soooo funny to toss her sandals into the pool and have Nathan and Josh fish them out for her. :)

a quiet evening

The little ones were still full of energy the other evening when it was time for bed. So, play time in Daddy and Mommy's room while we waited for them to get sleepy. :)

winding down for the evening from Elizabeth Smillie on Vimeo.

talking on the phone in front of the mirror from Elizabeth Smillie on Vimeo.

pigtails

This was our first try. Not too bad, but we'll get better!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

George

A friend in Indianapolis has a little boy who has outgrown his Curious George, and he decided to pass it on to Ian. While Ian appreciates it very much, he hasn't yet figured out how to play with it. So, Emma took over and has been making sure that George has a fun time during his stay with us. :)

Friday, July 23, 2010

John's book: Introduction

Winning Your Son’s Heart

Three Things a Father Cannot Fail To Do In Order To Win His Son’s Heart

Introduction

I was recently asked to appear as a guest on a DVD recording that was sent out monthly to several hundred small groups across the United States. The topic of discussion: From a son’s perspective, what is the one thing a father cannot fail to do in order to win the heart of his son?

Having almost four years of experience working with a young men’s discipleship program which focused on father and son relationships, I thought this would be an easy question to answer. There had to be one thing a father could do to win his son’s heart. Or was there more to it than that?

As I thought about this question, I reflected back to my experiences with my own father. I thought long and hard about everything he had done to protect my six brothers and me from evil and to raise us up as Godly men: how he had loved us, provided for us, nurtured us, and prepared us for life (and still does).

Every time I identified what I thought was the one thing my father had done to win my heart, I thought of something else. I couldn’t pin-point just one thing.

Well, I started to get a little desperate for an answer. The taping for the DVD was scheduled to take place the next day, and I was still not sure what I was going to say in response to the proposed question.

So, as I should have done in the first place, I prayed that God would show me in Scripture what a father could not fail to do in order to win his son’s heart. I quickly started thumbing through my Bible, trying to find every possible time it mentions a father and son. It was to no avail; I couldn’t find anything to use.

I turned my computer Bible program on and started cross-referencing the words "father and son". I found plenty of familiar passages in Scripture, of the Father and Son relationship that Jesus and His Heavenly Father had. This wasn’t quite what I was looking for though. The Heavenly Father and Christ are both perfect; every father and son I know aren’t. I needed something a little more practical.

Then I found a verse in 1 Thessalonians that I had read but forgotten about: “As ye know how we exhorted and comforted and charged every one of you, as a father doth his children, That ye would walk worthy of God, who hath called you unto his kingdom and glory” (1 Thessalonians 2:11-12).

The Apostle Paul wrote this verse as he was describing how he had developed his relationship with the Christians in Thessalonica. As I thought about what Paul meant when he said that he “exhorted and comforted and charged” them “as a father would his children”, God seemed to say to me, “There’s your answer.”

“My answer!?” I thought, “How is a father supposed to practically exhort, comfort, and charge his son?” Then it dawned on me: these three things cover everything that my father has done to win my heart! There isn’t just one thing that a father can do to win his son’s heart, there are three things!

Fathers, God has given me the burning desire to see fathers and sons, just like you and your son, become the men that He has called you to be. As I have spent the past four years pursuing this goal, I have realized that many fathers and sons do not have the strong and vibrant relationship with one another that is needed to answer this calling.

Fathers and sons everywhere are being handicapped by past failures and a lack of direction for the future. They have become products of the world’s system and lost sight of biblical manhood. They have believed the lie that they are not capable of winning their son’s heart.

Hillary Clinton wrote a book a few years ago, entitled It Takes A Village To Raise A Child (Touchstone, 1996). Although there is some truth to the role a society plays in raising a child, I believe she missed the bigger picture, especially when it comes to raising a son. It doesn’t take a village to raise a son, it takes a father!

Fathers, it is time to change your paradigm: You can win the heart of your son!

Today is the day! It is time to stand up and reclaim God’s calling for you and your son! Don’t live in a circle of regret and "what ifs"! Don’t believe what the world is saying about what you can and can’t do as the father of your son!

Yes, it may be impossible for the world to win the heart of their sons, but you are a son of God and “with God all things are possible” (Mark 10:27)!

God is doing great things in the lives of fathers and sons around the world. I have had the opportunity of personally witnessing God’s transforming and reconciling power at work in the lives of many fathers and sons. Every time I do, I am amazed at how God can take a seemingly hopeless situation and turn it around for His glory.

Have you already lost the heart of your son? Are you afraid that you will lose his heart soon if you don’t do something now? Then I plead with you, give God a chance. Do things His way and be prepared for great things!

As you will see in the following chapters, I have broken 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12 into three parts – Exhort, Comfort, and Charge. I have included in each section testimonies from other fathers and sons, personal stories, and practical ideas to help you understand and apply these three vital keys to win your son’s heart.

If it is your desire to have a lasting and fruitful relationship with your son, then I encourage you to read on and find out how you can exhort, comfort, and charge your son and thereby win his heart!

John's book

I'm so proud of my husband. There are many, many reasons, but one of them is because he wrote a book.

Yep, that's right. Wrote a book.
It hasn't been published, but it's really good (and that's not just my biased opinion).

John was working with a ministry for young men when we met, and a few years ago (in 2006, I think) John sat down at his computer and wrote out some things that God had taught him during that time. It's titled, Winning Your Son's Heart, and is directed toward fathers but has insights for anyone who is trying to encourage or understand teen and pre-teen boys.

I've started to work on editing it, and am thinking of posting it in installments here on the blog. Hopefully, some of you reading will be encouraged by it. If so, please pass it on to others who you think would profit from it. Lord willing, it will get published someday, but in the meantime we hope and pray that it will be a blessing to you.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

SMILE!

Ian started smiling back at us on the 20th! The smiles are still a bit sporadic (he only really does it when he's full and happy), but they are so fun when he does them!!!
He's also started to "coo". :)