Chapter Two
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Words of Encouragement
“…Ye men and brethren, if ye have any word of exhortation for the people, say on.”
- Acts 13:15
Since the beginning of time, words have played an important role in the development of the world. Today, we can see the influence of words everywhere we look. We see them in books and on advertisements, instruction manuals and on television. Now, words are spread across the Internet on the World Wide Web. From the time of copying manuscripts by hand to sharing volumes of books with the click of a button, words have helped shape the world as we know it.
As the ability to communicate between people has become faster and easier through the development of telephones, e-mails, and the Web, the art of clear speech and listening to other people has also been lost. Conversations between people have become brief, often resembling more of an online internet chat than two people talking in person. Even when two people do have a real, face-to-face conversation, they both tend to monologue rather than have a dialogue.
So what effect does this fast pace, to-the-point society of ours have on the communication between fathers and sons? A lot! A son needs his father to continually encourage and exhort him with the use of his words. A passing, “Hello” is not enough.
For many fathers and sons today, their conversations look more like auto racing pit-stops than two men talking with each other. For some, their conversations may look like this:
Father: “Hey, how’s it going?
Son: “Good.”
Father: “Good.”
It is my experience that most fathers don’t know how to talk with their sons. Some would argue that this is due to the fact that men are less talkative then women. Personally, I don’t put much faith in this argument.
If you look at some of the greatest men in history, you will see men who loved to speak and who communicated very clearly when they did. The Apostle Paul, Moses, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill, as well as the evangelist Billy Graham come to mind as good examples. The list can go on and on.
So, why is it that many fathers don’t know how to use their words to encourage and exhort their sons? I
believe the answer can be explained by what I have come to call the WWII generational gap. Let me explain.
believe the answer can be explained by what I have come to call the WWII generational gap. Let me explain.
We remember World War II as a relatively short war in American history, lasting only four years. It was a war in which tens of millions of Americans joined forces with many other nations to push back Nazi Germany and the Imperial Japanese army.
Although it was not as glorious as Hollywood movies have made it out to be, thousands of people rose to the occasion and heroically served our nation. In the end, the Allies were victorious, but not without paying a great price. Not just in money, but in human life.
According to several estimates that I have seen, nearly 50 million people died during World War II, including almost 400,000 Americans, with another 671,000 Americans wounded. A staggering figure to think about, but pale in comparison to the losses that several other nations suffered.
We often forget a very important fact regarding American casualties, and that is that the vast majority of Americans killed or wounded in WWII were men. Varying in age from young, 18 or 19 year old singles, to 30 and 40 year old fathers, these men bravely gave their lives for our country.
So what happens when almost all of a nation’s fathers, and soon to be fathers, go to war for four years and many of them never return? The answer: a generational gap. A generation of boys whose fathers were not around to define or exemplify manhood.
These boys were raised with little or no communication with their fathers. They never experienced what it’s like to have a relationship with a loving and caring father. Their fathers never had the opportunity to demonstrate what it means for a father to exhort his son. In turn, they were not able to do the same for their own sons.
What we see now is the cascading effects of this gap. One generation passing on their failure to the next generation. From the young men who lived during WWII, through the baby boom age and now today, many fathers and sons have never experienced what it means to have open communication with one another.
This has resulted in the current generation of fathers not knowing, or understanding, how to openly encourage their sons. So what can be done to change this pattern of failure?
1. Acknowledgment
As we all know, half the solution to any problem is recognizing that a problem really exists. So, to start, it is important for a father to recognize that he has inherited a weakness from his own father. This does not mean he should blame his father, nor should he take on a victim-like attitude. Instead, a father should simply recognize the generational failure and accept that it occurred.
2. Prayer
After a father has acknowledged the failure of previous generations, he should come boldly before the throne of grace and ask God to break the cycle of failure (Hebrews 4:16). The Bible says that God visits “…the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation” (Exodus 20:5), but that he shows “mercy unto thousands of them that love (him)” (Exodus 20:6). Deuteronomy 23:5 says, “The LORD thy God turned the curse into a blessing unto thee, because the LORD thy God loved thee.” Fathers, ask and ye shall receive (Matthew 7:7).
3. Learn and Practice
Once a father has acknowledged the failure and has broken the curse through prayer, he should learn how to communicate with his son. This will take time and effort. Once it is put into practice, though, it is sure to bring life changing results.
Affirmation
There is a great need for fathers to learn how to speak with their sons. To merely talk with a son is one thing, but to encourage him with words is a whole different ball game. A son needs to hear words of affirmation from his father.
A son longs to hear from his father the words, “you can do it!” and, “good job!” He needs his father’s affirmation. It may not seem like a big deal to you as a father, but it can mean the difference between winning your son’s heart and losing it.
Words of affirmation from a father reinforce in a son who he is. They also have the power to give life. In Proverbs 18:21 Solomon says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.” Solomon goes on to liken the tongue that is used wisely to “choice silver” (Proverbs 10:20). He also refers to the tongue as a “tree of life” (Proverbs 15:4), which brings “health” (Proverbs 12:18).
A father should use his words to encourage his son and bring life to him. Those fathers who aren’t sure they have the ability to do so should consider Moses. Moses was hand picked by God to lead the people of Israel out of Egypt, and to give them the Law of God.
When God asked Moses to take up this responsibility, “Moses said unto the LORD, 'O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor since thou hast spoken unto thy servant: but I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue'” (Exodus 4:10).
Was Moses making an excuse or was he correct in pointing out that he was a slow communicator? He was right! Every man who stands before God is slow of speech and has a slow tongue.
Look at what God says in the very next verse though: “The LORD said unto him, 'Who hath made man's mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the LORD? Now therefore go, and I will be with thy mouth, and teach thee what thou shalt say'” (Exodus 4:11-12).
Fathers, you many not have it all together when it comes to encouraging your son with words, but God is able to change that! Just like He did with Moses, He can take you from being slow of mouth and give you the ability to speak before nations. He can take you from, “mum's the word,” to vibrantly encouraging and exhorting your son with words that give him life!
I worked with a young man once whose parents had spoken many negative and hurtful things into his life. He showed the effects of this verbal badgering in many different ways, including having a very poor image of himself.
Due to his lack of self-esteem and confidence, it was difficult for this young man to interact with other people, especially with those who were of the same age. He also had difficulty completing any projects or tasks that he was given, even the most basic. His parents believed this was due to his laziness, but what they had spoken into his life had become true.
As I worked with this young man I made it a point to encourage him with my words. At first he was not sure how to respond. He had heard so many negative things about himself that it took time for him to start trusting that what I said was true. After a few weeks of consistently affirming him, his whole attitude changed. No longer was it, “I can’t,” but now it was, “I can!”
As a father affirms his son, it is important for him to do so properly. The Apostle Paul gave us this qualification in 1 Thessalonians 2:3-7: “For our exhortation was not of deceit, nor of uncleanness, nor in guile: But as we were allowed of God to be put in trust with the gospel, even so we speak; not as pleasing men, but God, which trieth our hearts. For neither at any time used we flattering words, as ye know, nor a cloak of covetousness; God is witness: Nor of men sought we glory, neither of you, nor yet of others, when we might have been burdensome, as the apostles of Christ. But we were gentle among you, even as a nurse cherisheth her children.”
Matthew also gives us a strong warning about a person who fails to affirm a child properly: “But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea” (Matthew 18:6).
Fathers, you shouldn’t be discouraged with these warnings. You can encourage your son properly through words of affirmation! Is it easy to encourage someone with words? No. In fact, in some ways it is against human nature (Romans 7:18). With a little practice, though, you can speak life into your son and win his heart!
If you don’t believe me, try it. The next time your son does something which is beneficial and positive, try affirming him with your words. Just a few, well thought out words will go along way.
Then, watch to see how this affects him. Does he repeat the same action in hopes of receiving more affirmation? With some consistent application, I believe you will notice a remarkable difference in all areas of his life.
Below, you will notice a short list of affirming phrases which can be used in many situations. As you read through them, picture in your mind instances in which you can use these phrases with your son. If you are already affirming him in these ways, consider taking a few minutes to create your own list of affirming words.
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I knew you could do it! -
You did a wonderful job ________(son’s name here)! -
Thank you very much for doing that, you have helped me a lot! -
You can do it! -
Good work _______(son’s name here)! -
Well done! -
You have shown great responsibility! -
Tremendous! -
Fantastic work _______(son’s name here)!
Thank you!
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