Marriage is defined by a positive virtue. It presumes the gift of self. Kathleen and Thomas Hart write, "One can do many external deeds of love and still hold back the really precious gift, the inner self. This gift can only be given through communication."

Talking and touching are two of the most important ways we can ourselves to each other. The refusal to give the gift of self can sometimes be malicious. At other times, this "witholding" may not be done consciously. We just wake up one day and realize that we have made no effort to keep moving toward our spouse physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Most of us, in fact, probably never approached the relationship of marriage with the thought that "apathy" is the antithesis of Christian love. As long as we're not mean, vindictive, or cruel, we may think we're fulfilling our Christian duty.
But we're not.
The truth is, I owe my [spouse] this "gift of self."
-Sacred Marriage, chp 153, by Gary Thomas